Joy,How are you though? Enjoying your freedom I guess, it’s not every time that one gets the genuine testimony ‘I survived’ but that’s what you did, but you wouldn’t have needed to if you’d left me in the shell I had created for myself, I let my guard down for a fraction of a second and like a fungus you invaded me with my defences at their lowest, see…the thing is I was ok with where I was, I wasn’t happy, neither was I sad, I just went through the motions, laughing when I was supposed to, speaking when being spoken to, and keeping quiet the rest of the time. I lived in my head, where the stars were beautiful, where I was one of them, I may not have shined the brightest but I was unique, a galaxy on my own. Let me explain better, you see, I’m one of the close but no cigar girls, the ones that blended with the room painting, the ones who took a little more of time nobody was willing to spare to be found out, so when you sought me out, I was flattered by your attention but wary about it, I who had secured the great wall of China around me, tall enough so nothing and no one could enter, I lived with Gibraltar surrounding me but I guess you saw the crack in it and to your own doom you entered to live with me and my demons.
It wasn’t your fault that I wasn’t like other girls, it wasn’t your fault that I drank you in like an oasis in a dessert, it wasn’t your fault that I choked you so much you needed oxygen from another, it was mine for not seeing the breach in that wall, for not pushing you out and sealing myself back in, but what’s a girl to do with an overtly pompous, fast talking, funny bone who was the first in a long time to be seemingly interested in her? What was a girl to do when he takes her to see the stars one of which looked exactly like him? What’s a wallflower to do when it’s been made to feel like a rose? Why joy… why did you disturb the caterpillar before it was ready to break out of its cocoon, I was wary of seeing the world but you took me beyond that and made me long for something more.
Then you left, poof!
Just like that, you left the same way you came, creeping away the same way you crept in, I had no say in the matter, the harder I tried to hold on, the slipperier my grip on you got. Now I have to un-see the world you showed me, I have to get back to seeing the stars without you, I have to get back in my head but it would have been easier if I hadn’t left in the first place, so instead of going back, I have to search for a better place, because the wall of China without you is dreary, Gibraltar seems more empty than ever, I know in my heart that I can’t stay there anymore, I have to move on, to search for a place where a wallflower can thrive, where being a second best girl ain’t so bad, thank you for constructively destroying my world, thank you for forcing me out of my comfort zone, thank you for living with my demons and surviving, thank you for running away and leaving me to fight them on my own, I’m going to be alright, out there is a place for me in this world, I just need to find it, Goodbye.
Yours always,
The seeker.
