Disclaimer alert: please this is not an article to incite fornication (or adultery even). This is a resource that I wish I could have easily found before I got married – because losing my virginity was truly a journey. So if you are on the verge of getting married, particularly if you’re a virgin, this is for you.
29 years I kept myself from sex. I went to many church’s purity conferences in my adolescent years, signed vows to God to hold out and truly meant it with every fiber in my being. Temptation certainly arose, I mean as my people say – body no be firewood – but with God’s grace I was able to hold out for marriage. I think that was what truly helped, it wasn’t for a special someone, but it was for the institution. Otherwise I’d probably have folded during courtship to be frankly honest.
So it’s September 8th, 2022. We’ve gotten married and it’s all high hopes for the future ahead – including the upcoming first night together as a married couple. Bear in mind I’ve waited my whole life for this moment, so the pressure inside me is mounting – big mistake. I’ve asked my married friends for their advice but everyone was speaking in parables so I didn’t have any concrete idea of what I was going to meet on our marital bed. I remember vividly being in the hotel bathroom talking to my reflection like “you can do this!! This is what you’ve been waiting for! You will do it tonight and you will be good!”
Beloved – I didn’t do anything that night.
As much as I tried to psyche myself up, I was just too afraid of the unknown. I was irrationally afraid of the pain that I had heard about online and from my patients – I had even bought an anesthetic gel to numb it, which with hindsight, I now know I had highly overestimated – but then I forgot to pack it so I couldn’t get past my fear. My husband – bless his soul – was super super supportive and assured me that we have our whole lives together to make it work. The next night, when I was a whole lot calmer and with plenty, continuous reassurance that he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want, we finally crossed the bridge. Funny enough, it didn’t hurt anywhere near what I had been anticipating and I actually enjoyed it lol, it truly was all in my head.
Sex is as much mental as it is physical. So my key piece of advice is that you should think of what you want to experience rather than focus on what you are afraid of. Your mind is so powerful and can curate entire experiences all on its own. I’m glad to say we’re in such a better place now, it took both of us having a baseline understanding of each other’s wants and needs plus constant, transparent communication.
So to my sister-in-waiting, keep hanging on, by the grace of God your God-chosen husband will be perfect for you and will work with you to make this gift from God truly an enjoyable one for both of you.
Till next time,
Dr ETP xo
